The World's Worst Software Engineer - Part 4

Monday:

After the Friday fun, it starts early with the call I have been dreading. He's here, he's ready, he has a partner in crime and he's armed with the phone number for the technical support team in the software's mother country.

The World's Worst Software Engineer proceeds to tell me what he is going to be doing. Or more specifically what the technical support guys will be doing for him while his partner in crimes sits and watches. I think he is here for some 'on site training'. Good luck mate, you're gonna need it, hope you brought a Thermos, it's gonna be a long week. Everything the guy tells me is exactly what he told us at the meeting and a repeat of everything that we have told him, but I let him ramble on anyway as I update my Facebook status and post it on Twitter too for good measure.

He then asks about the database. I explain I have set it up 'exactly' as he asked (and I mean exactly). However he is a little confused when I tell him the user is local and not domain. He comes out with a few buzz words like 'remote' and 'pipes' to make himself sound as if he knows what he's talking about. I am a little impressed, until he gives it away that he is reading them from an instruction manual. What amazed me the most is that he doesn't bother to ask anything that maybe useful: Like the server name to connect to for example.

I take a snapshot of the server, and cross my fingers and toes just in case. You can't be too careful these days. Not with Engineers like these leaving a trail of anarchy in their wake wherever they go.

Phone call two: He has had time to think and now rings to complain that the user is a local database account and not a domain account. I explain several times that this is all that is required to connect the software to the database. He tells me that he needs to add it to groups. Why? Just connect the database and use the same setup as you did for the previous installation. If you can remember what that was.

10 minutes later and the guy is complaining that I am not being very helpful. Or maybe he just doesn't like the fact at he can't understand what I am explaining to him. I have done everything I can without actually performing the upgrade myself. Sometimes I wish he'd just give me a copy of the software and the manual, and let me get on with it.

There are two main departments that you should never piss off. One is the catering staff for fear of receiving a sneeze roll, and the others are IT! By this point the guy is testing my patience and he's on very thin ice.

I call him back, what else can I do but have another crack at trying to explain myself all over again. All I get is a grumbled "yes" that he'll try it, but "you get better performance with a domain account". Errm HOW?

He says he will try it as soon as he has finished running his 30 day trial performance software again, to see if the disk latency has improved. I don't believe for a second he even knows what disk latency is, but I proceed to explain again that testing it is pointless and will only give him false results. He decides to do it anyway.

I did have to laugh when I discovered next that his 30 day trial performance software that he installed the last time he was here has expired. In addition, removing and reinstalling it does not rectify the problem no matter how many times he does it.

He finally rings for some 'tweaks' on the database. He has a list of things to ask, but forgets one of them. I then prompt him by asking if he requires the database server name. Suddenly the light bulb illuminates above his head and he agrees sheepishly. I give him the details and he hangs up again, presumably to begin the upgrade as long last.

Lunchtime:

As I sit back with a ham roll. the phone rings again, the guy has now got it in to his head that the user account requires folder permissions to write to the database, even though its already got full access to the write directly to the database within the software, as I have told him on numerous occasions. Confused.com.

"Is it not working?" I ask him, wondering if I just need to make a few more adjustments.

"Dunno, haven't tried yet, I'll let you know." He replies and hangs up.

By now the day is dragging on and at the umpteenth phone call I have to disguise the fact I have a 'grouch on'. I grit my teeth, put on a false smile, realise he can't see that down the phone, drop the smile, and answer as politely as possible, telling myself to keep calm as he grumbles on. Worst of all is that the movers are trying to move the office's furniture and equipment, and he keeps complaining about the noise as he speaks to me on the phone. What does he expect quiet movers? You try carrying a heavy desk without making a sound...

He calls next to ask me to install something, but doesn't know what it is. When I finally decipher what he wants, I install it and he hangs up. Only for him to ring back five minutes later asking for more of the same as he forgot to mention the other features he requires. When will the madness end? Note: By this time, he still hasn't even started the upgrade.

Next comes the big one. He calls as he can't seem to connect to the instance on the database server. This would be because he didn't ask us to create one. As I mentioned before we thought it strange that he asked us to create a single database and not multiple as was the original setup. There is a huge different between a database and an instance. It turns out the software creates the databases and what he asked me to create is actually null and void. I explain that what he is asking for I cannot provide and he must use the default. This confuses him further and he hangs up moaning again about the local user.

He finally starts the install with only two hours to go before home time. He rings back again, to tell me that the user requires access to the reporting. Nice of him to tell us beforehand, isn't communication a wonderful thing? I ask him what it needs access to exactly, obviously he doesn't know any more than I do and says he'll get back to me.

Its quarter to 4 and the mother country can no longer connect. Even though he has used it a dozen times, the guy doesn't know how they usually connect or what credentials they use. Basically his knows it uses 'some software'; and that's about it. Looks like it's another do it yourself job for muggins. The man doesn't even bother to try to supply me with information. I can almost hear him shrugging his shoulders down the phone. Strikes me this guy knows nothing about anything to with his own software, let alone computers and networking in general. Where will all this end?

I can tell you where Monday ended: With no software upgrade installed, no remote connection and almost no patience left in my being. With a heavy heart that round two commences in the morning, I left for home.

Tuesday:

The day dawns with remote access back in place. The guy is back in, but is still sketchy about some of the details. Regarding the reporting he emails me a screenshot. Only it's a screen shot of the end result and not of how to achieve it. Basically it's useless.

SUCCESS... He phones back again and after some bumbling his end and some tweaking my end, we have the software confirming green lights on all fronts. The upgrade can now begin, better late than never.

OR NOT... He is back on the phone within ten minutes, complaining it's not working again. I listen to him blabbering on the phone as he goes through the install process for the thousandth time, giving me all the irrelevant information rather than anything that may help. Ever had those moments when someone is talking and time seems to stop. It was just like that, his word all blurring into one big buzz of white noise. Ultimately the call was pointless, as it all worked again anyway.

The install finally commences amid another torrent of pointless phone calls. One in particular where he was complaining yet again that he did not have rights to create databases, even though I was sitting watching them appear on the screen in front of me as the installer ran. To top it off he had full access to it anyway. I lost count of the times he rang to ask if there was any problem on the network: Funny how this question always gets asked when a software install doesn't go smoothly.

Lunch time came and went without a peep. It was disconcertingly quiet and I was getting concerned. I give him another a half an hour and went to pick up the phone to call him as it starts to ring. He's forgotten a password, but things are looking a lot better. I heave a sigh of relief.

It's half an hour before I get to put this day out of my mind and he calls again. He needs me to restore the data from one of the old databases to the new one. Fair enough, he says he has the backup and just needs me to perform the operation; should be simple.

No such luck. The backup he had taken was about as much use a chocolate teapot in a boiler room. Fortunately the foresight of my colleague and I came to fruition. Remember the database backups we fought tooth and nail to take on Friday? We managed to restore the data from there, another crisis averted.

Wednesday:

Another long day, but...

It's done, It's installed, it's working, well sort of and The World's Worst Software Engineer is triumphant in his victory, even though it has been the mother country, my colleague and myself that have managed to perform this miracle. Now all that remains is the new feature user training. Boy, am I glad I am not involved in that one, I can imagine the chaos and it sends shudders down my spine.

Of course he hasn't contacted me to inform me of this, he has already left without a word and I have had to find out for myself. There's professionalism for you. I'd say don't give up your day job mate, but maybe you should!

Find out what happened next: Check Out Part 5