The Server Hardware Misconfiguration

Umm, it doesn't seem to be working correctly...

It's almost comical that nearly every technological addition or upgrade to our server room is fraught with one mindless defect or another upon arrival. Something may be missing, something may be broken, or the object itself is the wrong one, wrong size or even out of date.

I remember on one occasion we needed a simple power strip for a server rack to power some switches. Nothing fancy, but it needed to have certain connectors for it to do it's job. 5 months and 3 power strips (all wrong) later and we finally get one that we have to change the plug type on ourselves, because we couldn't afford to wait any longer for yet another product exchange.

We take every care to 'spec' out the equipment we need. We research what's available, we choose carefully to meet our needs and budget. Then we pass it on to the bean counters to mess it up in their own special way. Saving money is the name, buying crap, defective hardware is the game (as long as it's cheap).

Head In The Cloud...

Coming Soon...

 "To the cloud..." those fateful words ring out like a foghorn of doom as the boss learns a new buzz word.

We know we are in for a battle of epic proportions as he tells us for the gazillionth time "Leicester has set it up, they use it, it works, it's wonderful. It is the greatest thing since Bill Gates sat down in his garage, and put white text on a black screen and called it DOS!"

Yes, it's that time again. The new users have got to be created, and the management have come up with yet another fantastical, hair-raising idea to completely screw it up, make our lives uncomfortable, and confuse the users even more.

They have heard of this amazing new invention called 'the cloud'. A 'simple' solution to all of our problems. Actually it's a very complicated way to cause us yet more problems on top of the ones we already have. But there is no telling the upper classes of the bean counters; it's the latest thing. SO, WE MUST HAVE IT!

The Server Upgrade Uncertainty

I am often asked what it is like to work in IT Support. Most people assume that it is a geeky and uncool job. Others believe it to be never ending fun; playing with gadgets all day long and never doing any "real work". The rest are usually amazed at the flashing lights, and the unidentifiable, yet intriguing components that lay about the office, and believe it to be a glamorous, and trouble free profession. Most never see what we do in the background, unable to appreciate the hard work we do: The early mornings, the late nights, the endless progression bars. Failures and down time are fixed in their memories like the 1966 world cup, but our successes are usually forgotten almost instantaneously.

Occasionally, but not very often, the frustrations of the IT world come not from the users, but from the systems themselves.

The Problem with being an IT Specialist

After being in the business of IT Support for so many years, I have learnt never to admit to it to people outside of work: Sometimes, not even then.

"Why?" You may ask me.

Well, despite the obvious lull on your social life, once somebody knows that you have superhuman IT skills, you're screwed. Doomed forever to be plagued by never ending computer questions from people who have no idea what they are asking in the first place.

Even worse, when these people discover what you do, they tell others, and before you know it you have an even larger posse contacting you, expecting computer advice, and fixes for free. People you have never even met.

The New User Influxation

The place is in chaos, the servers are maxed out, everybody is stressed, tensions are high and no one can remember their password, date of birth or even their name. The same time every year we get a huge influx of new users: More users to report problems, more users to create them. Each one has to be registered on the system to get their vital computer user accounts, and then have to go through a long, gruelling induction by our highly trained specialists.

I say gruelling, as it is more taxing for the inductors than for the inductees. From the stories they have told me it resembles a cross between the London riots, and the Krypton Factor for the technologically afraid.

The Phone Scam

For months I have had numerous reports from colleagues, friends and family members about a guy with an Indian accent, phoning them up at home and claiming to work for Microsoft. Or more specifically 'Microsoft Windows'.

First of all, before I go on, any idiot knows that Microsoft is the company and Microsoft Windows is the product. But not this one. This is a special kind of idiot, he is twice as stupid and says he works for  'Microsoft Windows'.

This 2x idiot, this Fonejacker rip-off, this stinking piece of garbage, is nothing more than a scammer, a con artist and a thief. Do not mistake him for a hacker either. Hacking requires skill and intelligence.This is nothing more than a petty criminal, who wants your hard earned cash.

The World's Worst Software Engineer - Part 6

Bright and early, The World's Worst Software Engineer arrives ready for battle. He's a warrior; fully armored, loaded with dangerous software; fresh back from his holiday, he is raring to go and just as clueless as when he left.

Even though I have sent him through the logon credentials he still can't connect to the server. Even though they are exactly the same as last time. I reset the password for him. No luck. I test the account myself and it works perfectly. Still he can't get past the bad user name or password error screen. It takes me ten minutes to talk him through how to get on to the server. Great start, that holiday has done him a world of good; his brain is completely relaxed. I'm impressed already!

The World's Worst Software Engineer - Part 5

One Week Later:

We are on high alert, the system isn't running correctly after the upgrade, and of course it's all our fault. Our database server is not working correctly because the software can't connect to it. Regardless of the fact that every other server that connects to it are having no problems whatsoever and there have been no other complaints.

The World's Worst Software Engineer isn't complaining to us directly though, but going through a proxy, namely, the person who wanted the software in the first place. We are eventually informed that he is on his way down to see us, to see if we can help. What this really means is, he is on his way down so he can moan about the local database account, and stand around looking dumb while we struggle to fix the problems he has caused, with no helpful input from him. To top it all off, we still know nothing about the software, how it is setup, how it works or even how to log in to it. Much the same as him really.

The World's Worst Software Engineer - Part 4

Monday:

After the Friday fun, it starts early with the call I have been dreading. He's here, he's ready, he has a partner in crime and he's armed with the phone number for the technical support team in the software's mother country.

The World's Worst Software Engineer proceeds to tell me what he is going to be doing. Or more specifically what the technical support guys will be doing for him while his partner in crimes sits and watches. I think he is here for some 'on site training'. Good luck mate, you're gonna need it, hope you brought a Thermos, it's gonna be a long week. Everything the guy tells me is exactly what he told us at the meeting and a repeat of everything that we have told him, but I let him ramble on anyway as I update my Facebook status and post it on Twitter too for good measure.

The World's Worst Software Engineer - Part 3

It's a busy Friday morning, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and deliveries are coming in thick and fast. With very few staff in due to the summer holidays, those of us left are hot, bothered and over worked.

Still, the atmosphere is light, and everyone is laughing and joking as we hulk 200 computers from one end of the building to the other. Next week will be a different story as on Monday morning the Worlds Worst Software Engineer is coming in to perform the upgrade again. Remember last time? He failed miserably, rolled back the version and left little old me to fix the mess he left behind.

The Id10t Migration Complication

It all started late on a Friday afternoon, as do most big, important projects. With our own move almost complete, it was now time to get the bean counters and the rest of the staff moved into the new building. Simples! Don't count on it!

It took two days hard labour to get every computer, monitor, printer, projector, TV, Sound system etc. disconnected, crated up and labelled. Not very exciting except for the huge battle of fighting through the stacks upon stacks of folder, boxes and other rubbish that the staff had kindly piled up around and on the computers themselves. And of course the game of cat and mouse we had to play in order to steal way the crates we needed to do the job. They were like gold dust and we had to use all our cunning and stealth to get enough containers to get it all done.

Moving Offices

It's an exciting time at the moment. A buzz is in the air, and it's not because of the fly nest in the false ceiling. It's taken years of planning, re-planning and planning again, and now the project is almost complete: A brand spanking new building for the company to move into within next few months.

It's looking very impressive on the outside and even more so on the inside. It's huge, it's one of a kind and state of the art. But this new entity has not come without its shortfalls in certain areas along the way. Areas: namely IT.

Strangely all the way through the project, in an IT based company with almost everything running off of technology, IT was not taken into consideration when designing the new building. Even stranger, when they finally realised that computers will be needed to run the business, and that a full network infrastructure would need to be put in place, they didn't bother to speak to the experts: Us!

The Training Course

It's always an experience, venturing out to visit other companies. It gives a warm feeling inside to know we are not alone and that other IT professionals have exactly the same, mundane problems that we have to put with from the users.

We have had the system for about four years or so and the powers that be have finally decided we need training on it. We head not too far, due north to another company for a VMware virtualisation course. Myself and a colleague: negotiating the mad, suicidal drivers of the M1 and arriving in good time, and in one piece, so far so good. There turns out to be two car parks and naturally we attempt to enter the wrong one, only to be redirected to the second by a rather grumpy security officer. We find the second car park, only to be blocked by a barrier and an intercom unit.

The Software Engineer Strikes Again

The World's Worst Software Engineer - Part 2

Heeee'sssss Backkkkkkkkkkkk.....

Yep, lock up your servers, changes your passwords and take the phones off the hook. The world's worst software engineer is back to perform an upgrade and it's not going to be pretty.

It's eight months later and a new version has been released. They don't know what they are or what they do, but the staff have decided that it's new features are essential to the company and must be installed as soon as possible. Lucky us!

Another Dissatisfied Customer

We get a few disgruntled people come up to our office from time to time. Some have legitimate reasons, most don't. One in particular was rather rattled the other week when he came in with his laptop. He wasn't out right nasty, merely high and mighty with a volatile nature, and a sense that all should bend to his will. He obviously hadn't been up to see us before.

It was early one evening and I had just managed to get my dinner out of the microwave before the first phone call broke the silence of the office. I answered between mouthfuls.

"My laptop has a Trojan" a blunt voice informed me with a 'don't question my diagnosis' type tone. "I have phoned by brother, and he has confirmed that is what it is."

The Great Software Installation Debacle

The World's Worst Software Engineer - Part 1

A new day, a new piece of software drifts our way. It will change the way the company works and streamline our procedures. It's state of the art and will save us money, time and man power. Not to mention it looks good and can take our personalised logo.

Wonderful! Another sales pitch full of buzz words that sounds too good to be true (it probably is) from a company no one has ever heard of, and the brainwashed bean counters are sucked in as they marvel at its high-tech excellence. It is overly expensive but before we know it, it is approved, bought and paid for without even consulting IT. On the plus side, it is going to be installed, setup and supported by the supplier. What could possibly go wrong?

Idiot in Training

Through the years we have had many trainees come to work with us. Unfortunately the first few we had were as computer literate as the rest of our users. They were not there for IT Support experience, but for work experience. Not a good combination in an environment such as ours.

One day a few years back, a fault comes in from an office that has a computer malfunctioning; nothing was appearing on the screen. This was a legitimate fault that after troubleshooting was pinned down to being a faulty graphics card. The computer was temporarily put out of commission and a replacement graphics card was ordered.

The Exam Apocalypse

It's exam time again and all are panicking. Cue complete chaos and the end of the world as we know it... At least until Friday.

This time of the year almost anything can happen and usually does. It's all hands on deck in our department in order to help quell the oncoming turmoil and horrors of the assessments.

And so it begins... The sky darkens, the rivers run red and as expected the phone rings:

"IT Support."

The Wild Goose Chase

As with every 'good' IT Nightmare it all started with a phone call.

"IT Support" I answer one cold and icy evening.

A tumult rolls over the airwaves in a heavily accented voice. The guy is talking so fast I cannot understand a word he is saying. I wait for the torrent to end, every syllable merging into the next. I ask for him to repeat himself and it takes a good four attempts to figure out that he is having little issue with his speakers. In other words: No sound. I was wishing my phone was having the same problem.

I try to get him do a few small checks, but another heavy incomprehensible sentence, is the clincher. Armed with cables and a heavy heart I head over there in the cold; head down to the wind and nimbly avoiding the black pools of ice. It was going to be a long night. Turns out this is was going to be a walk in the sun compared to what was coming.

The "Hacker"

A long time ago in an IT Office not too far away...

"We've been hacked." Our IT Manager tell us one morning as he stands on a chair to change the bulb in the alert light from green to red.

With the red bulb flashing and the alarm wailing, we all pluck up our ears and our then Senior Server Analyst frowns slightly and calmly asks. "Why? What's been hacked?"

"Oh, everything. Our entire network is compromised" our Manager panics, his glasses slipping down his nose. His thick grey hair seemed bigger than ever and he was clearly in a tizz.