A new day, a new piece of software drifts our way. It will change the way the company works and streamline our procedures. It's state of the art and will save us money, time and man power. Not to mention it looks good and can take our personalised logo.
Wonderful! Another sales pitch full of buzz words that sounds too good to be true (it probably is) from a company no one has ever heard of, and the brainwashed bean counters are sucked in as they marvel at its high-tech excellence. It is overly expensive but before we know it, it is approved, bought and paid for without even consulting IT. On the plus side, it is going to be installed, setup and supported by the supplier. What could possibly go wrong?
They wait a couple of weeks in anticipation, on the edge of their seats waiting for the day to come, when their working lives will be changed forever. Still we know nothing of the pending doom. Ignorance is bliss, until...
The day before, around 3pm ish:
"They are going to need a server to run the software from." We are told.
We slam our foreheads down on the desk in unison. They have known about it for two weeks, we have known for two seconds.
"What spec do they need?" We ask between defeated, irritated groans.
"Umm, dunno..."
The three of us sit with blank looks upon our faces and the requester fades away leaving us bewildered. We have seen this before, it will not end well.
3:30pm ish:
The phone rings...
They have a spec for the server, possibly, maybe, but they are not quite sure. They will check and get back to us.
3:50pm:
They have a spec, but are not sure about it and can't get hold of anyone to ask. Can we build two servers, "just in case"?
4:59 pm:
We have two servers, half built. We leave them installing overnight.
The next day:
We had finished off the two servers by the mid-morning, by which time the software engineer has finally arrived and is reading the software installation instructions; never a good sign.
To cut a long story short, both servers were the wrong specification and a third had to be built as quickly as the Microsoft minutes would allow.
The software engineer gets to work. He has three days to get the new system installed, setup and running. He will then begin training the staff after the weekend and they can't wait.
He begins by umming and arring about the operating system. We are running Server 2008, the software is compatible, but he has only ever installed it on Server 2003. This will be his defence for the entire unmitigated cock up that is about to come.
First of all he needs to get the installation files on to the new server from his portable hard drive.
He asks to plug the drive into the server. We explain that the server is 'virtual' and immediately he looks confused. We explain what a virtual server is, but we can see the information pouring into one ear and drifting out of the other.
He holds out the USB plug for the portable hard drive as if he wants to plug it into thin air and looks at us uselessly.
"How do I get my files on to the server" he asks in a small voice.
We tell him to plug it into the workstation he is using to access the server and copy them over the network. The blank stare remains intact and we end up copying them for him: Twice.
He starts the installation and all along the way he gets shortfalls. He clearly doesn't understand how a computer works and he clearly doesn't understand the security precautions of a corporate network. Every time he has a problem, it is easily solved with a few policy adjustments, but he just insists it's because he is installing it on Server 2008 and not 2003. He has "never had these issues before."
We are now wondering if he has ever installed it on a network with more than five PCs and one server before. He clearly seems to be completely out of his depth.
Despite these tweaks, the software refuses to install and the guy starts to get a little uncomfortable. I have done all I can and leave him to it just as his jacket and tie are being removed. The staff that are watching him anxiously are bringing him coffee. He has one more day to finish the setup before the weekend. Then the training begins.
Three weeks later...
The software still doesn't work and is not licenced as he has been unable to retrieve the licence file. It is only partially installed. The guy has spent all day, every day since I left him, sitting at the workstation and running the setup programs over and over again with the same results every time. Something tells me that just repeating the same procedure will not solve the problem.
By now the original instigators are getting annoyed that the installation of their new, perfect software system is not going to plan. They have never used it before in their lives, but they just can't live without it much longer.
When all else fails and the specialists can't install their own software, who you gonna call?
That's right, IT Support, and guess who picks up the phone?
The software engineer, sounding rather stressed out explains to me in a weak voice the problems with the software installation.
"Surely" I say. "This is a job for your software support team."
"I am the software support team." He tells me flatly.
There is an awkward silence, while I pull my foot out of my mouth. I then ask him a few more technical questions regarding the installation, but the guy doesn't seem to know anything more than the installation manual says. It is clear that the company had sent a software engineer to install their product that knows nothing about it. Nor does he have any in depth knowledge of computer systems, networking or anything closely related to IT. I bite my lip and against my better judgement I agree to go and take a look.
I make my way down and spend an hour or so trying to decipher what the guy is telling me about his software and how it is supposed to work. I promptly forget everything he has told me (unlike the bean counters that hang on his every word) and I start from scratch. If at first you don't succeed, ignore the "experts" and do it your own way.
Two hours later, the software is installed, licenced and resembling some sort of a working system. So much for the thousands of pounds it has cost and the expensive maintenance agreement. They may as well have just sent me the cheque.
The software is not functioning the way it should, and again the guy looks to me. I shrug my shoulders to let him know that I know less than he does about the software.
"Well, I guess I better contact the developers and see if they can help. I have never had this problem before, but then I have never installed it on Server 2008 before."
I wanted to scream that the end result is the same. I then did a double take as I realised what he had just suggested. Why didn't the numpty contact the developers in the first place; this all could have been solved three weeks ago.
We get them connected remotely and they go through the configuration, after a few minutes and one or two major adjustments the system pings into action.
Together, Myself and the Software Developers have saved the guy's bacon and it's not going to be the last time. There is a drama every time he turns up to fix or upgrade the software. He rarely completes the tasks himself without supervision.
I sit back in my chair, place my hands behind my head and heave a sigh of relief and satisfaction. Job Done!
The software guy is suddenly looking a lot less stressed and gets to work personalising the software for our company. Adding the company logo is top priority. It takes him the rest of the day to complete the setup. Now all that needs to be done is for him to train the staff to use it. After three weeks of anticipation they are on the starting blocks and raring to go.
"Oh, I can't do that for a couple of weeks, I have to be in Scotland tomorrow. I should have been there last week." The software engineer tells them as he is packing his things up and preparing to leave. Their smiley faces fall in disappointment.
This guy is bloody priceless! Where do we find these people?
The fun didn't end there: Find out what happened next.
The fun didn't end there: Find out what happened next.
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