The Server Hardware Misconfiguration

Umm, it doesn't seem to be working correctly...

It's almost comical that nearly every technological addition or upgrade to our server room is fraught with one mindless defect or another upon arrival. Something may be missing, something may be broken, or the object itself is the wrong one, wrong size or even out of date.

I remember on one occasion we needed a simple power strip for a server rack to power some switches. Nothing fancy, but it needed to have certain connectors for it to do it's job. 5 months and 3 power strips (all wrong) later and we finally get one that we have to change the plug type on ourselves, because we couldn't afford to wait any longer for yet another product exchange.

We take every care to 'spec' out the equipment we need. We research what's available, we choose carefully to meet our needs and budget. Then we pass it on to the bean counters to mess it up in their own special way. Saving money is the name, buying crap, defective hardware is the game (as long as it's cheap).

Head In The Cloud...

Coming Soon...

 "To the cloud..." those fateful words ring out like a foghorn of doom as the boss learns a new buzz word.

We know we are in for a battle of epic proportions as he tells us for the gazillionth time "Leicester has set it up, they use it, it works, it's wonderful. It is the greatest thing since Bill Gates sat down in his garage, and put white text on a black screen and called it DOS!"

Yes, it's that time again. The new users have got to be created, and the management have come up with yet another fantastical, hair-raising idea to completely screw it up, make our lives uncomfortable, and confuse the users even more.

They have heard of this amazing new invention called 'the cloud'. A 'simple' solution to all of our problems. Actually it's a very complicated way to cause us yet more problems on top of the ones we already have. But there is no telling the upper classes of the bean counters; it's the latest thing. SO, WE MUST HAVE IT!

The Id10t Migration Complication

It all started late on a Friday afternoon, as do most big, important projects. With our own move almost complete, it was now time to get the bean counters and the rest of the staff moved into the new building. Simples! Don't count on it!

It took two days hard labour to get every computer, monitor, printer, projector, TV, Sound system etc. disconnected, crated up and labelled. Not very exciting except for the huge battle of fighting through the stacks upon stacks of folder, boxes and other rubbish that the staff had kindly piled up around and on the computers themselves. And of course the game of cat and mouse we had to play in order to steal way the crates we needed to do the job. They were like gold dust and we had to use all our cunning and stealth to get enough containers to get it all done.

The Software Engineer Strikes Again

The World's Worst Software Engineer - Part 2

Heeee'sssss Backkkkkkkkkkkk.....

Yep, lock up your servers, changes your passwords and take the phones off the hook. The world's worst software engineer is back to perform an upgrade and it's not going to be pretty.

It's eight months later and a new version has been released. They don't know what they are or what they do, but the staff have decided that it's new features are essential to the company and must be installed as soon as possible. Lucky us!

The Wild Goose Chase

As with every 'good' IT Nightmare it all started with a phone call.

"IT Support" I answer one cold and icy evening.

A tumult rolls over the airwaves in a heavily accented voice. The guy is talking so fast I cannot understand a word he is saying. I wait for the torrent to end, every syllable merging into the next. I ask for him to repeat himself and it takes a good four attempts to figure out that he is having little issue with his speakers. In other words: No sound. I was wishing my phone was having the same problem.

I try to get him do a few small checks, but another heavy incomprehensible sentence, is the clincher. Armed with cables and a heavy heart I head over there in the cold; head down to the wind and nimbly avoiding the black pools of ice. It was going to be a long night. Turns out this is was going to be a walk in the sun compared to what was coming.

What is RAM?

"I am applying for a new job." A guy from another department announced to me one day. "It's for a 'Technical Computer Job' and I was wondering if you would help me with a couple of the questions on the application form?"

"Ok, I'll help you if I can." I agree somewhat taken aback by the new 'Job Title.'

"This is the main question I am having a problem answering." He says pointing to a large box on the application.

"Describe any technical IT experience that you have had?" I read out loud.

"Yes" he says. "What shall I put?"