Freshly Baked Chaos with a Side of Laptop

Sometimes I wonder why I bother!

It's the first lates of the new year, and nothing and no one prepares me for the evening ahead. And it started off so promising too.

It was all planned out, I had a pile of laptops to fix/image/configure and a phone ready to ring off the hook with stupid questions from idiotic users. Then it all went to hell. For some reason every idiot user chose tonight to show their talents at their very best.

It starts off with the usual innocent job that turns out to be a false alarm. I was asked to fix a faulty projector/computer situation that was magically working perfectly when I got to the room. WHEN I GOT TO THE ROOM!

The Empty Mailbox

It's the umpteenth attempt at calling her; I have been trying to get in touch with a user for over a fortnight after a fault was passed on to me from our helpdesk:

"A huge chunk of my emails are missing". It had claimed in big bold capital letters; providing lots of useful information to go on as usual.

The problem is urgent, and absolutely must be fixed immediately (apparently). As urgent as is may be, all attempts to contact the person who reported the fault have been in vain.

I hang up the phone again after the about the twelfth ring, and with everlasting regret, I send the user another email explaining that I was looking into their fault, and needed to speak with them about it. Finally a few hours later I get the returning phone call:

Another Dissatisfied Customer

We get a few disgruntled people come up to our office from time to time. Some have legitimate reasons, most don't. One in particular was rather rattled the other week when he came in with his laptop. He wasn't out right nasty, merely high and mighty with a volatile nature, and a sense that all should bend to his will. He obviously hadn't been up to see us before.

It was early one evening and I had just managed to get my dinner out of the microwave before the first phone call broke the silence of the office. I answered between mouthfuls.

"My laptop has a Trojan" a blunt voice informed me with a 'don't question my diagnosis' type tone. "I have phoned by brother, and he has confirmed that is what it is."

New Laptop

"I have an appointment" a rather rude woman tells us as she barges through the door, laptop bag hugged to her chest.

There were three of us in the room and that's the first we had heard of it. Still, ever eager to satisfy the masses we all smile and offer our assistance.

"My laptop has loads of viruses" she says. "I spoke to someone yesterday."

We all have blank looks on our faces and we are all thinking the same thing about the "loads of viruses," format c:, die, viruses die!

Little Miss Know It All

Knock Knock!

A woman walked into our office one afternoon with a laptop bag in her hand. She had a smile on her face and seemed friendly enough.

"I have come for my new loan." She exclaimed excitedly, assuming we were psychic. You know what they say about assumption being the mother of all.... Enough said!

It's amazing how many people walk into our office like that, making announcements and believing we automatically know all the details of what they are talking about.

Quality of Service

I get an email one morning from a friend who works at another site. She was having issues retrieving an archived email. This was a common problem at the time and just required a quick install of an updated client. We arranged a time when she would have a few minutes to phone and let me connect remotely to the computer.

It's 12:10pm and my friend phones. All I needed to do was connect to her laptop, install the update and check that she could open the archived email. Simples...

I ask her what her "pc name" is. Now we run a program called BGInfo. This pulls information from the computer; including the pc name, ip address, RAM, disk space etc. This updates every time a user logs on and displays it on the desktop beneath our corporate logo.

Helpdesk Hell

We have a hardware vendor that we have to phone on a regular basis for replacement parts. Most of the time when we phone it takes a while, but the person on the other end usually accepts we know what we are talking about and arranges for the part to be delivered.

I say most of the time...

One day I have a laptop that had ceased to function. It was a common problem, one fixed by replacing the motherboard that luckily is under warranty.

I phoned the hardware vendor support line as usual, hoping to get the part for the next day.

Which brand?

Here's a short one, but one to be noted as it is so ridiculous.

Early one morning we have a lady walk through our door, bringing back a laptop we had lent her. My colleague signed it back in as he usually would and the lady enquired if we had any other brand laptops.

My colleague said that no, we didn't.

"Oh" replied the woman. "I was told you had loads of brands."

"No, sorry these are all we have."

"Well, that's not very good." She said "Other brands give you a much faster internet connection."

The Corrupted Hard Drive

So one morning we have a chap (widely known for his giant lack of common sense) come through the door to our office carrying his laptop. He explains that the laptop was not booting and asked if we could take a look at it.

I asked what was happening and I got a vague explanation that the Windows XP installation was cycling at boot up. At least thats what he said.

I switched on the laptop, but instead of watching the laptop attempt to start up XP I got a "NTLDR is Missing" error and nothing else.

The guy mentioned that there were several "important files" on the c: drive (a big no-no in our company, everything should be saved to a network drive and/or USB, making hard drive failure a doddle.)

The Faulty Laptop Screen

One morning we had a rather upset gentleman come in to our office, nursing his laptop. He had been in to several other departments along the way, complaining loudly to anyone that would listen to his problem, searching for someone to help him. They in turn had redirected him to us. So kind of them...

"My laptop's broken, my laptop's broken. Please you have to do something." He pleads as he rushes in.

"What's the problem?" My colleague asked, taking pity on the poor man, who was obviously distressed.

"The Screen. I think it's broken." He says.

My colleague takes the laptop from the man, who was cradling it like a new born baby, and sets it down on to the work bench.

How does it "Logon?"

It's that time of year again when we recall staff laptops and re-issue with new ones, with new more up to date software installed.

Today two of my colleagues had to go and swap out a few dozen laptops at one of our sites. About halfway through the morning they were dealing with a Gentleman and had just finished the transaction when he asked "How does this laptop log on?"

One of my colleagues explained that it was exactly the same as before where as the man replied with condescending superiority. "Don't be stupid, how on earth is it going to work like the old one?"

My colleague, a little taken aback by this tried to explain that all he had to do was log on the same as he did on his old laptop. The man shook his head again, refusing to believe him.

"It's a different Laptop, it won't logon the same as before, now tell me how I get on to it."

Software "Install"

One morning we get a knock on the door and a man comes in with his laptop.

"I have brought my laptop up as I was told if I did, you guys would install some software for me." He tells us.

"No problem" we say. "Which software would you like installed?"

"Oh, anything you have got." He says "Throw it all on."

"We have dozens of pieces of software" we tell him. "Is there anything in particular that you needed?"

"No not really. I was just told to come up and get it installed. Just install it all and it'll be there if I need it."

Internet Security

Although not overly strict, we have considerably tight filters on our firewall that scans and filters websites and applications from the internet. Protection from unwanted "nasties" such as malware and viruses. These days it is essential to any business and home use alike.

Every once in a while a site that is required may be found to be blocked; we review it and unblocked it if we deem it suitable.

One day a guy comes in with his laptop complaining that it is "running slow" and the software he had installed was reporting hundreds of viruses. He also took the time to tell us how vulnerable our network was and that we should be protecting against such things. He even took the liberty of telling all about viruses and how dangerous they could be. He also complained that he could pick up malware but couldn't get to sites he wanted or certain applications.

Obviously we are always open to being told our jobs by someone with a laptop in the condition it was in and remained in a silent loathing while we checked it out.

Internet Problems (An ID10T Error!)

One day I get a phone call from a rather flustered lady from our upper management.

"Hello, I am having problems getting on to the internet with my laptop." She tells me.

"How far are you getting? Are you getting an error?" I ask.

"Its says 'Page cannot be displayed." She reads. So far so good.

"Sounds like you are not connected to the network. Where abouts are you?" I ask.

"I am at home." She says alarm bells starting to ring.

"I see so you are trying to connect your laptop to your home internet."

Faulty "Data Ports"

"There's a big meeting in the board room, but they are having trouble loading the PowerPoint presentation, the laptop you lent them has faulty data ports." complains a lady, rushing in to our office with the utmost urgency.

So I make my way down to the board room, taking a spare laptop with me in case I need to make a switch. As I enter the room, fifteen accusing pairs of eyes in expensive suits set themselves upon me as if I am personally responsible for the fault.

I make my way over to the laptop as the eyes follow and receive a full 30 second ear bashing from the red-faced presenter, making sure I was up to date on his professional diagnosis. "My flash drive won't work in your laptop, the USB ports are faulty... etc etc etc..."

Health and Safety - Course 101

So I am sitting at my desk one day when the door opens and woman sheepishly creeps in to the room carrying an open laptop.

She stops and grins at me for about a minute then finally confesses that her "friend" had asked her come and see us because she (her friend) had spilt coffee all over her (the friend's) laptop. I asked who her friend was and if it was an accident, why she didn't bring it down herself if.

Answer: She was too scared we would tell her off.

The lady left and I took a look at the bedraggled, Nescafe flavoured laptop and I noticed that the screen was blank but the laptop was switched on and running.

Wireless Problems

I got a phone call this morning from one of our members of staff. They were complaining that their company laptop was not connecting to the wireless system. I talked them through the usual precedures to try and diagnose the problem.

The wireless network was functioning correctly, their wireless card was enabled and configured correctly. In the end I asked them to bring the laptop up to our Support Office so that we could take a proper look.

The user then complained "But I am at home, do you mean I have to come all the way in to work just because your equipment doesn't work?" (Yes they had neglected to tell me they were working at home and they didn't have broadband.)